My Sexuality and Labels

My sexuality illudes me. I know I like men. But do I like women *enough* and in the way that warrants calling myself bi?

I see the beauty of women. I have a type I prefer. The thought of giving pleasure to a girl turns me on. Sometimes as much as men do, but not often.

I view being bi as superior to other sexualities. It's not limited arbitrarily. I find the idea that I can see attractiveness and not feel attracted to be contradictory. To like both is free of this contradiction, it's cool, it's sexy, to seduce all types of people and to be seduced by all types. It is so beautiful and poetic. I romanticize and idealize this.

Also, I want to be bi because I want others to respect me. Straight men don't respect gay sex, sure my friends don't think less of me for the gay sex (at least not explicitly) but they don't view it as praiseworthy. But if I have straight sex even just once they'd be impressed. It would prove that I'm bi and not just a gay in denial. It would assert a form of dominance and of prowess over them, I'm able to get both if I want, I've had both, some of you have had none. Why do I desire this? Why do I wish to prove myself, especially in this specific aspect?

I can't know whether my feelings for women are that of an average person towards the sex they don't prefer or if it's something different. I don't know whether the former version counts or doesn't as bisexuality, it could go either way (lol). Like, in the way most girls are willing to kiss other girls, I (not being straight) am free to be open-minded and express my willingness to kiss girls despite my preference. I've already committed to the Taboo, I have nothing to fear in admitting I'm willing to try what's normal. Girls' are also culturally freer to admit to a certain level of sexual curiosity without being forced under a specific label. This same perception is not given to boys. Straight men aren't able to admit they'd kiss a boy or experiment without having a label forced on them and forced on them as a means to belittle. So the question is, if this social disincentive is removed, are straight men equally as curious and flexible as I and women are? I've seen some evidence of this, once they are in a relationship with a girl they are far more willing to be flirty and or open about their willingness to try certain things with guys.

But if this is the case, and everyone is at some level of bisexual in their life at least at some point for some amount of time, then there's no reason to call everyone bisexual. So then you have to be a certain level of openness to the sexes in order to be worth calling bisexual, but what ratio?

Technically my openness and willingness to do stuff with girls means I'm bi. Expressing this openness will often be met with people telling me that means I'm bi to them. Yet, these same people will then say I'm not bi for having never been with a girl, that I'm just gay. But straight virgins are still straight...

So then I flirt with being unlabeled, but then people ask questions and I give answers and then they just put me in their boxes anyways, and I don't blame them. Categorization and definition are too useful to discard for someone's comfort, and even with imperfections an imperfect definition is better than none.

So I'm comfortable calling myself bi with a strong preference for men, or an open-minded gay. Or just open-minded in general, or just whatever I don't care what you wanna call me. Even just 'not straight' works.

06/07/22